And The Beat Goes On.. And On... And On

Dear fellow roast beef lovers,

It is with heavy eyes and tender, swollen, sanded-down-to-nothing finger nubs that I write to you today. Finger nubs that have spent countless hours getting Bloomy1 ready for her paint job. Just how massive is this project, you might ask? Well… let me tell you a story. A story about love, loss, and misunderstanding.

The Story of Love, Loss and Misunderstanding
Once upon a time, otherwise known as two Fridays ago, the Rhino and I woke up with excitement in our hearts. The day had finally arrived when we could pick up Bloomy1 from Chameleon Concessions and bring it up to Big Lake to prep and paint it for its big debut! Since Bloomy1 had been fully wrapped with a vinyl decal (thanks a lot Frito Lay for ruining my life!) and rolled (rather crappily, I might add) with white housepaint, we knew it was going to be a lot of work. About $10,000 worth of work, according to a local auto body pal. Good thing we* had planned out a strategy in extensive detail beforehand!
*My part of this strategy was to listen to the Rhino’s plan and respond enthusiastically.  

The Plan

1.    The Rhino began the planning process by researching numerous kinds of paint thinner with the idea that we could use the most slamazing paint thinner in the world to cut through the paint and decal. Pros: he found the best paint thinner ever! Cons: No one would ship it to us because it’s considered super intense hazardous material. Yikes! Never fear though! See #2 for proof of the Rhino's adaptability skills.

2.      As proof of his adaptability skills, Rhino discovered another paint thinner with the same active ingredients sold at our local True Value hardware store. Nice recovery. High five!

3.    We figured if the paint thinner didn’t fully work, we’d just sand the truck down to its aluminum using our handy drill sanders. Good plan!

Feeling quite accomplished, we packed up the Jeep with sanders, scrapers, and paint thinner before heading to Chameleon to pick up Bloomy1. I was so excited that I kept babbling about how awesomesauce it would be to do some physical Bloomy’s work instead of sitting at a desk all the time. Think of all the calories I would burn! And the toned arms I would get! <Insert multiple Rhino eye rolls here.>

Well… when we got to the truck, we realized pretty quickly that it wouldn’t start. I will remember the sad final whimpers of that nearly dead battery forever. And when it died, I was happy when I realized that the Rhino had jumper cables in the back! Until I was informed that the Rhino had recently taken them out and replaced them with a tow rope. LIKE ANYONE EVER NEEDS A TOW ROPE!* Anyway, so we drove back home, grabbed the cables, and headed back to Bloomy1 for take 2. The jump got her ticker beating again and off we went! As it was dark, late and freezing by the time we got to Big Lake, we decided to hit the hay and get an early start on Saturday. We went to sleep with smiles on our faces, me dreaming about muscle definition and the Rhino about more practical things I’m sure. Then came Saturday.
*Don’t worry. I only said this part in my head.

Saturday a.k.a. “Day of Trial, Error, and General Awfulness.”

Rhino & I woke up early, put on our painting outfits*, and headed out to the shop.  What follows is a super accurate timeline of how this day went.
*I guess only I call it a ‘painting outfit’ and everyone else calls them ‘painting clothes,’ whatever.

8:30am – We excitedly put on our hazardous-paint-thinner-avoider-gear which included safety goggles, a respirator with pink filters, and heavy duty impermeable work gloves. Work gloves that were the same size as the one Rhino’s dad wore, which means they were about 1,000x too big for my hands.* Anyway. Rhino got out the paint thinner and the paint brush and I got out the plastic scraper. Ready, begin!
*Apparently, no store in the world makes heavy duty impermeable work gloves in child size.

10:00am – We realized the Bloomy1 vinyl decal was not only covering a layer of superpowered epoxy paint, but also came complete with NASA strength permanent adhesive that even highly toxic paint thinner wouldn’t cut through.

10:15am – We’re staring at a truck that now has sticky gobs of glue stuck all over it. I feel whack attack #1 coming on but sufficiently stuff it back down* so it can fester into a huge stress ball in my belly.
*Because I promised the Rhino I would do my best not to whack out until further notice.

11:30am – After testing several glue removal techniques, including but not limited to: lacquer thinner, wax & dirt remover, rubbing it with our gloved fingers (FYI – all this does is roll the glue from one section to another) and sanding with our drills, we realized that sanding with our drills was the only thing in the world that worked to successfully remove the demon globs. We decided to go gung ho and sand all the glue away forever! But first, a lunch break.

12:30pm – Back in action, we get out our sanding drills and get to work! This is sure to be successful!

3:30pm – The only successful thing we have done is successfully break two drills trying to sand through to the aluminum.

3:45pm - Realized that it would take us pretty much the whole rest of the year to sand the entire truck down to its base. Good thing we have to launch in five weeks! The huge stress ball continues to grow. It has now spread from my belly to my sternum.

4:00pm – I stared at the truck and realized for the first time the exact enormity of what we’ve gotten ourselves into. In case you’re wondering, this enormity is called a truck the size of Rhode Island that, after most of a day with three people working on it, had 1/4 of one side sanded and was covered in glue gobs. The stress ball is now up to my throat and makes me swallow every five seconds.

5:00pm - Realized that our only true option to ensure that we’ll launch on time is to sand the top layer of the truck (yes, that crappy housepaint), prime, sand again, paint, and cross our fingers that the paint wouldn’t cause the decal to lift up and crack everything to bits.

5:30pm - Went inside, ate dinner, and passed out.

Sunday a.k.a. “The Slightly Better Day When We Make Minor Headway”

When I woke up, the clock read 7:15am. I was excited because it was Daylight Savings time and you know what that means! It’s actually only 6:15am! Except in the spring, when you lose an hour and realize that it’s already 8:15am. Shoot! Gut check confirms that the stress ball is still intact.

8:30am – 5:00pm – We sand, sand, and sand. Then we sand. Then we sand and sand again. Oh, what is this over here? More sanding. We sanded through our gloves and the top layer of our skin. We sanded until our arms wouldn’t work anymore and our eyes wouldn’t stay open. Then, we sanded some more. We sanded around thousands of rivets and through glob after glob of ridiculously annoying house paint. What did we do then? You guessed it. We sanded.

Then, we ate dinner, went home and got ready for work the next day.

So this quickly became our new routine: Get up, go to work, come home, grab a sandwich, and eat dinner in the car on the way up to Big Lake. Sand, sand, sand* until we couldn’t sand anymore before driving home and collapsing into bed.
*On the plus side, the Rhino & I have successfully achieved the pale, powdered look of the olden days with the help of a thin coating of white paint dust that we can’t seem to ever quite remove completely. Talk about attractive.

I can honestly say that neither the Rhino nor I have worked this hard before in the history of our lives. And the worst thing was that, after all that time and work, the end wasn’t even in sight. Not even a little bit.

So around comes Friday, the night we had designated as our night off. We were nearly done with sanding (freaking finally!) and ready to move on to the priming/painting/praying the decal wouldn’t lift off stage. Our brains were fried, our bodies were mush (but oh so toned!), and our spirits were hovering just slightly over “dangerously low.” We needed a night off in a big way. As I sat at work on Friday afternoon, I dreamed of all the wonderful things we could do – like sit down, watch some tv…maybe eat a non-multitasking dinner. Then I realized that there were at least 10 things I needed to do that night just to keep us on our timeline. Then, I freaked.*
*Freaked (v): a more intense version of a whack attack. 

This freak resulted in a panicked phone call to one of two people in this world who could calm me down. One of them* was already overextended, so I called the slightly less extended one (barely): my sweet and practical dad. The same guy who, when he answered my call with a jolly laugh and an innocent “how’s the truck?,” was greeted with sobs from his eldest child and a barely coherent “I’m in over my head! What do I dooooooooo… booo hoo…”
*The Rhino, in case you were wondering. And I'd already promised him that I wouldn’t whack out… in front of him. (I added that last bit myself)

After giving me a reassuring attitude readjustment and a virtual hug, my pa sent me on my way. At the same time (approx.), the Rhino sent me an e-mail letting me off the truck work hook for the weekend! Not because he thought my mechanical skills were subpar*, but because it didn’t take three people to prime a truck (unless one of said people wished to simply stand and watch the stuff dry). So I stayed behind and completed nearly 20 to-do list items over the weekend while the Rhino and his dad completed numerous feats on Bloomy1. These feats included the majestic achievement of purchasing test paint and applying it in a way (slowly and with fingers double crossed) that would not cause the decal to lift and crack. And it worked!
*This is probably the real reason.

Now, we are so proud to tell you that the end of this project is finally in sight! The truck is sanded to perfection, the hub caps are no longer trusty rusty circle eye sores, the bumper is shiny (well, as shiny as we could get it), the grill is fixed, and the rivets can kiss my butt. And, we saved about $9,500. All that’s left is painting and decorating with our logo! At the same time, we’re still on track - despite our recent hurdle(s) - and our spirits are once again hovering just above “infinity high.”

In case you were wondering where the Love, Loss and Misunderstanding went, here’s a quick explanation:

The Rhino & I made it through this ridiculousness (so far) with our relationship intact (Love).

We broke two drills and disposed of about 1,000 sanding pads and several pairs of gloves (Loss). I also nearly lost my mind. (Loss).

Our excitement around working on the BEST PROJECT EVER was quickly replaced with the harsh reality that we novices had no freaking idea how much work this would actually be (utter Misunderstanding).

So there you have it. One month until launch and we’re still hanging in there… barely. But it will all be worth it when we serve our very first mouth watering roast beef sandwich. Dibs!

Winter Break & A Homeless Bloomy

As an end-of-year treat and so we wouldn’t lose our “use it or fuhgeddaboudit” PTO days, the Rhino and I decided to take the whole week between Christmas and New Year’s off of work (day job work, that is). This means that we had ten whole days where we really didn’t have to do anything except dream about Bloomy’s and the day when we wouldn’t have to live in cubicles anymore. I was super excited as you can imagine, since this meant a break from the following things:

1. Uncomfortable work clothes
2. Alarm clock
3. Hair dryer/static machine
4. Driving
5. High heels
6. Going outside

It also meant that we could sit on the couch in our pajamas and eat pie and pistachio pudding bars like tomorrow would never come. But, it did, and now we're left wondering how every single pair of pants we own managed to shrink so much in just one week. I blame the dryer.

The day before we were scheduled to return to our exciting* day jobs, we decided to put on some normal clothes, venture outside, and move Bloomy1 from Rhino’s mom’s yard to the parking lot of Chameleon Concessions. As you may remember, Mark Palm from Chameleon is the wonderbrain behind our food truck makeover, and he was just about ready to get started on transforming Bloomy1 from empty boring truck shell to slamazing diner on wheels.
*not exciting at all.

I was looking forward to visiting Bloomy1, seeing as it is the closest thing that the Rhino and I have to a pet and I had started to miss its crappy white paint job. You can imagine my terror and devastation when the Rhino went to turn it on and IT WOULDN’T START!!! I was on the verge of having a whack attack, but the Rhino’s Mom calmed me down by reminding me that it had been sitting in the cold yard for several weeks and just needed some TLC. She was right, as Moms always are, and the hand-off to Mark was a complete success. We are proud to say that our vehicle-pet is now undergoing a deep cleaning and complete transformation that we will document via pictures in this very blog.

Anyway, the next day was the dreaded end to our PTO dream holiday staycation. I had to force myself to act like a grown up instead of pitching my alarm clock through the window and throwing a small* whack attack like I wanted to. I did attempt to wake the Rhino up with my sobs, but he just rolled over and put the pillow over his head. I proceeded to drag myself to cubicle home-away-from-home where it took about two hours for my stress to reach pre-holiday levels. At least my pants fit again.
*large

So now that it’s officially 2012, it’s also officially the YEAR of BLOOMY’S (if the world doesn’t end, which would be really lame). Already during this year, the YEAR of BLOOMY’S, Rhino & I have done the following things:

1. Scheduled the pre-launch sponsor celebration event!!!
2. Started interviewing for our very important Food Truck Manager position
3. Scheduled a visit to the super huge Sysco Test Kitchen a.k.a. heaven on earth
4. Conducted an intense prayer/law of attraction session during which we begged & pleaded that our bank loan would close by February 1. The results of this session are still TBD.
5. Found out that the home we had lined up for Bloomy1 is going out of business, which left us with a great sadness in our heart and a big white homeless truck. Wonderful.
6. Transferred the title from the previous castle-dwelling owner to us regular house folk (see below for the ridiculous “I can’t believe this actually just happened” details)

So here we begin the tale of the:

Ridiculous Title Transferring Debacle
The Rhino and I were looking forward to transferring the title for Blooomy1 so we could become the official owners, and also because it’s the law. I had just gotten a fix-it-or-else-you're-gonna-get-a-ticket for not having my address changed on my license, so I really didn’t want to break the law again so soon. We decided to meet up over lunch to drive to the DMV and conduct the very easy title transfer. Remember that we have allotted one hour for this very simple and not-complex-at-all errand. Here is a synopsis of what ensued:

12:00pm

·  KJ arrives at Excelsior DMV and reads the large and prominent sign that reads “CASH OR CHECK ONLY”

·  Calls the Rhino and politely asks if he happens to have approximately $600 in cash in his wallet. He checks his wallet and says that he has about $4.

·  Rhino picks up KJ and they drive to Wayzata Anchor Bank to get a cashier’s check (government requires paper trails, which we are getting very good at leaving.). On the way, we realize:

·  We don’t know how much to get the cashier’s check for.

12:30pm

· We arrive at the Wayzata DMV and wait in line for approximately three minutes. The nice lady types out a receipt for how much the transfer will cost.

12:40pm

· Rhino & KJ arrive at the bank and get the cashier’s check.

12:50pm

· Back at the DMV, Rhino & KJ successfully complete the transfer and go to Chipotle for some burritos to celebrate.

1:30pm

·  We breathe a collective sigh of relief. That wasn’t too bad!

·  Wait for it…

·  Wait for it…

The next day:

·  Rhino realizes that we transferred the title into our individual names instead of into the business. KJ has whack attack.

·  Bank confirms that title needs to be in Bloomy’s name.

·  KJ calls DMV and learns that she needs to obtain elusive IRC code to avoid paying sales tax twice. She learns that:

· No one seems to know what an IRC code is or how to get it. A mystery solving operation begins and lasts several days.

Several days later:

· KJ goes back to DMV to expedite the original title which otherwise would have taken 3-4 months to get back. Cost: $20

3-5 days later:

· KJ gets title in the mail. She goes back to DMV and realizes Rhino hasn’t signed the title.

That night:

·   KJ watches while Rhino signs the title

The next day:

·  KJ goes back to DMV and successfully transfers the title! Yes! Except…

·   Once I get back to work, I realize that I didn’t put the bank on as a lien holder and have to break speeding laws (sorry) to get back to the DMV before they close.

· KJ doesn’t tell Rhino about this until everything is fixed. He says thank you.

So, a one hour very simple errand has turned into a three-week mega-fiasco. Good job! Apparently, 10 days of couch sitting has not only shrunk all of my pants but has also made my brain a little mushy. No biggie. I’ve started taking Ginko Biloba and am almost back to normal. Let’s hope this is not indicative of how the YEAR of BLOOMY’S will transpire.

However and without further ado, it is now time to spill the beans on our latest and greatest creative project:

The Bloomy’s National Television Project Debut:

I wasn’t going to say anything about our project as I didn’t want to ruin the surprise or jinx the Bloomy’s marketing team, but then I figured a bit of positive energy from peeps wouldn’t hurt. So, here we go.

As you know, the Bloomy’s marketing team is comprised of our awesomesauce Creative Director, Jamie D, and yours truly. As you also may know, Bloomy’s has done a pretty solid job so far of getting some interest from the press. In true ambition, we decided to go for more. More as in national. National as in national network television.

So I started thinking… how does one get the attention of a national network television show such as the Food Network or the Cooking Channel? Phone call? Even I would hang up on myself. E-mail? Easy delete. Carefully handwritten and subtly perfumed letter? Passé. That left just one cool and solidly popular medium: YouTube. Home of Justin Bieber and the Honey Badger. Bring it on.

I was nervous about making another video for a few reasons, such as:

1. The fact that video making does not agree with the Rhino or me and results in several severe dagger eye death stare matches.
3. We can’t ever remember our lines.
2. HD video makes my lips disappear and my hillbilly tooth become more prominent.
3. I had recently self-cut* my bangs slightly too short and the result was similar to what happens when a six year old discovers a pair of safety scissors.  
 *cost control

In any case, we invited Jamie D over to assist with the shoot, and she calmly fixed all of the above using relationship counseling techniques, script highlighter and interesting topic prompting questions, really bright lipstick, and wicked eye makeup (I assume to distract from the bangs). Jamie D then proceeded to whip out some sneaky Steven Spielberg moves and, before we knew it, we had over half our video recorded. We all still liked each other too.

So we’re half done with the video and hopefully will have that uploaded and ready to leave the show-deciders so wowed they will immediately want to give us a few moments of screen time. Ready… go!

That’s all I’ve got so far. I’m off to freak out about the realization I just had that we’re launching in just three short months and our food truck still looks like this:

Well, at least it will be an interesting ride. See ya next time!

Mac & Cheese Coma

Well folks, Bloomy’s has been moving and grooving this week. So much so that I’m nearly 100% positive I’ve finally burned off the calories I consumed via Bloomy’s latest macaroni and cheese taste testing episode. Did I really have to eat the entire creamy delicious bucket? Mmm… probably not. But it certainly was fabulous, and I have the pre-dig in picture to prove it (see picture below for proof). And, can I just say how grateful I am that stretchy leggings are in style right now? Expandable waistlines and I are super bros during Bloomy’s taste testings.

(Gooey mac & cheese goodness!)

Anyway, we’ve also showcased some photos of the Rhino and the Bloomy’s test kitchen so you can see exactly what the test kitchen looks like (on a good day), and fully understand how it is that I spend approximately 25% of my life cleaning this test kitchen and doing more dishes than I thought existed on the face of the planet. Good thing the Rhino lets me eat all the goods!

(The handsome Chef Rhino complete with identifying chef hat!)

(Bloomy’s official test kitchen)

Now that we have our mac & cheese recipe primed and perfected, there’s only one recipe left to go – Coleslaw! Now, I know the Rhino has been putting this one off until dead last because he despises coleslaw, but too bad so sad! We have hungry folks who seriously love their coleslaw (yours truly included) and we’re currently on the hunt for the most perfect of perfect base coleslaw recipes. I am also stubbornly determined to try my roast beef sammy topped with a scoop of coleslaw and, if it’s halfway dece*, am totally forcing it onto the Bloomy’s menu even though we’re nearly out of space. Anyway, if anyone has a slamazing coleslaw recipe, please send it to me at eat@bloomysroastbeef.com.

Oh wait, did I forget to tell you guys? We have our own e-mail address! Not a fake free gmail or hotmail one either! And it looks so nice on our very own website: www.bloomysroastbeef.com. Check it out and drool over our menu like I do every day at work when I’m trying to figure out where to go for lunch (out of the three lunch options I have at my disposal in rockin’ Chanhassen – Jimmy John’s, Subway, or the never-gets-old Life Time Fitness Café where I have already eaten lunch approximately 624 times and no, I certainly do not count the Taco Depot as a lunch option). In any case, do us a solid and “like” our new website! It took several (many) hours (weeks) of work to put together and included a devastating break-up with one big-name website developer because they pretty much sucked and had weird glitchy tendencies that I couldn’t handle. Anyway, I started seeing this new website developer site (www.Wix.com) and it’s going well so far (albeit early stages).

We’ve also made the tough decision to take some time apart from our first bank because they pretty much wanted us to sign away our organs (even the good ones), all of our hard-earned dough, and our not-even-born-yet children. I said to this bank: “Um…. I don’t THINK SO!” and we decided to go on a blind phone date with another bank. After a slight miscommunication with our new bank dude (Gosh I hate when that happens!), we’ve gotten our application paperwork settled and ready to submit this coming week.

However, we have realized the intense need to come up with about $10K in additional dough. We’ve already gotten approval to formally raise money via Kickstarter and are just getting ready to shoot our first-ever short motion picture episode for world premier on the Bloomy’s fundraising website (this is secretly the pinnacle moment when my life’s dream to become the next Steven Spielberg will FINALLY be realized…it’s about time already!). In addition, we will most likely start begging each of you for dollars starting next blog. However – I do have to note one caveat – we have really wicked sweet rewards for those who donate including FREE MEALS FOR LIFE! But you will just have to wait and learn more when we officially launch our dollar-begging initiative next week.

Okay… in other news: We interviewed our first potential food truck manager and are soooo excited that he is not only normal, but super wicked awesome! And he totally works on a mobile food unit already that sells a weird concoction (this concoction totally plays with your emotions in an – it kinda sounds good, but then you imagine taking a bite and then it sounds totally gross - kind of way) but we like him anyway. Hugs!

Alright, the Rhino just called and is a little traumatized from his weekend fishing getaway where he may or may not have committed birdslaughter, so I need to sign off and be ready to provide some comfort and TLC upon his return. Until next time!!

*Dece (adj; rhymes with peace) verbal abbreviation of decent. Try it. It’s really fun to say. That new Transformers movie was pretty dece!

The Rhino’s 2 Cents

Well hello there Bloomy’s Blog followers (official and closet alike!)

I am the Rhino and although Katie does a fantastic and hilarious job of detailing our adventures, it is time for me to voice my 2 cents. 

Some of you know me and some of you may not yet know me. Those of you who know me have an intimate understanding of my tendency to voice what can be a strong opinion at times. It is my hope that those of you who do not know me yet can learn to love and appreciate this filter-less take of my surroundings. 

Rhino’s Take on Banks and the Bank’s Initial Feedback for Bloomy’s Loan

I would like to preface this section by saying that our contact at the bank is a very nice and helpful woman.  Any and all ranting, venting, b*tching or other critical verbiage is not aimed at her but the banking system overall.  

In all fairness I am already bitter against past banking practices that propelled us into this awful recession.  I mean seriously I know someone who got a mortgage for a house before the crash with a utility bill that he doctored to have his name on it.  He had a little insider help at a bank, but that is just plain ridiculous.  What really burns me is Mortgage Insurance.  This insurance does no good for the homeowner, but was supposed to be a fail-safe to protect the bank’s investment.  What the hell happened to that money? I mean this kind of money is supposed to be locked away in some nominal interest bearing savings account right? Hell no! Put that sh*t in the market and gamble with it son! Oops now we need it for the actual purpose that the money was collected for but we lost it all.  Oh well, have the government bail out the banks and then have the banks race to pay the money back to the government because they can’t take advantage of anyone with those pesky government clauses on the borrowed money.  I almost forgot that the last part involves giving the bank execs bonuses for their great work.  Jerks…

So anyways, like I was saying, Katie and I went into the bank with a wonderful appreciation for banks and their lending practices.  Our blood, sweat and tears poured into our 65 page business plan that we were firmly convinced was probably one of the best ever made. :-)

As we expected it took the bank a little over a week to provide some initial feedback.  This was actually some very necessary down time for Katie and I.  I am a laid back guy for the most part and I am a very proficient sleeper so when my left pectoral muscle began twitching and I had several nights that I could not sleep I took it as a pretty good sign that I was stressed to the max. This week was great and via some yoga, gardening, walks, talks, killing fools on COD and several bottles of wine the Bloomy’s management is tick, twitch and sleepless night free (with the exception of a small incident which I describe below.)

Katie and the Cricket-Frog

Katie and I encourage each other to maintain healthy relationships with our friends whether it is a guys’ poker night or her ladies’ book club night.  Either way we end up with a few nights on the calendar each month that are designated for this purpose.  We both have our unique activities that we like to enjoy absent our partner.  I tend to get some items crossed of my self-made honey do list, attend happy hour, watch non-Katie friendly movies or my favorite activity which currently is playing Call of Duty (COD.)  I’m not totally sure what Katie does when I’m gone, but I enjoy visions of her vacuuming in the nude, reading her favorite book in a tub full of bubbles or simply making lists of things that she can do to please me. ;-)

We had one of these nights this week.  After unboxing our new dehumidifier and connecting the direct drain hose I retired to the couch and to kill some fools on COD.  Katie got home while I was still playing and was tired so she decided to head to bed.  Please keep in mind that Katie is a light sleeper and can be kept awake or woken up by nearly anything that makes even the tiniest sound.    She hadn’t slept well for like 10 days in a row.  After I succeeded in killing dozens more pre-pubescent boys on COD I heard footsteps from down the hall, the junk drawer open and by the time I turned around to look all I could see was the open door to the porch.  I heard some noise (which I found out later was Katie attempting to go out the door with the curtain still down) and the door slide open.  I set the controller down and scampered over to investigate.  What I saw out the sliding glass door was a barefoot Katie with a flashlight in one hand and the other hand in a fist pounding the ground outside our bedroom window yelling, “Die you freaking idiot!”  I was a little confused to say that least, but got her to come inside only to explain to me that for 10 minutes while on the brink of sleep a (what had to be) large Cricket-Frog was croaking outside of her window. Even with her ear plugs in she could hear its lonely croaks and it was driving her to madness.  It was silenced after her violent attack so she was convinced that she had either killed it or mortally wounded the creature.   So just to be sure, like a good man, I took the flashlight from her, gave her a hug and told her to go back to bed and that I would stand watch for this Godzilla-like monstrosity that was keeping her awake.  5 minutes after standing in the doorway listening and watching for the Cricket-Frog and nothing neither made a sound nor stirred in the night.  I went back to bolstering my manly ego by destroying high pitched voice basement dwelling pre-teens and Katie went back to bed.  Just as she was once again on the brink of sleep, the elusive Cricket-Frog croaked once again. A frustrated Katie retired to the quieter guest bedroom to get some sleep (which she also utilized if I snore too loud or toss and turn too much) and I continued to play COD undisturbed.  I did not know that Katie gave up the battle and conceited defeat to the Cricket-Frog nor did I hear the ferocious beast when I retired to bed.  We have yet to hear this undocumented species since that magical night and pray to the heavens that we never do again.

Anyways back to the loan feedback…. The type of loan that Katie and I are applying for is called an SBA loan.  As a wonderful anecdote I have included their mission statement for your reading displeasure:

The U.S. Small Business Administration (SBA) was created in 1953 as an independent agency of the federal government to aid, counsel, assist and protect the interests of small business concerns, to preserve free competitive enterprise and to maintain and strengthen the overall economy of our nation. We recognize that small business is critical to our economic recovery and strength, to building America's future, and to helping the United States compete in today's global marketplace. Although SBA has grown and evolved in the years since it was established in 1953, the bottom line mission remains the same. The SBA helps Americans start, build and grow businesses. Through an extensive network of field offices and partnerships with public and private organizations, SBA delivers its services to people throughout the United States, Puerto Rico, the U. S. Virgin Islands and Guam.

I don’t know how the Guam division of the SBA program operates but here is the feedback that we got from the SBA:

• Initial equity from personal sources would be 30% of total loan request.  I believe we talked about the potential for a higher equity portion.  
• Requirement for 1:1 collateral coverage either through business assets or personal assets
• Life insurance to the extent each of you contribute to the business that can be assigned to the Bank that covers the loan balance
• More detailed resume information regarding your food service background and scope.  (What did you do, where, when, etc.)  SBA is looking for your "experience" running or managing this type of business or the various aspects of the business - food prep, cook, etc.  

30%?     30%.   30%!?!?!?!?!?! Shut the front door! Why in the world if we have to provide a 1:1 collateral coverage would we need to contribute 30%? I don’t recall eating any lead paint chips as a child, but I must have somehow severely damaged my frontal lobe because this doesn’t make any sense to me.   Take the liquid assets in which help qualify you for the loan and contribute a significant portion of them for the initial investment.  That way if the business isn’t successful you are left with no money to cover the loan payment and you lose your house and/or other assets.  Silly Bloomy’s! We thought that we could borrow money from the bank and keep our money so ensure that we could make the payments.  Why would we think that? It makes entirely too much sense.

Food service background? If Katie and I both worked at a fast food roast beef place adding water to reconstitute what they refer to as meat would we have enough coin saved up to qualify for a loan? Does the fact that we have to sign a personal guarantee on the loan with our assets and the bank has zero risk mean that they can ask us for our food prep experience? Are they loaning money or interviewing us for a job because I thought that the principle philosophy of lending was to secure the loan? Yes? No? Maybe? Would we not have to be clinically insane to sign over our lives to start a business that we were confident that we could not run?  Could I go on for hours about this? The answer is yes and you can ask my co-workers because after 5PM they hear it all.

Whew! Are you still with me? That rant left me exhausted and frankly very hungry for the heavenly nourishment of a Bloomy’s Smokey beef sandwich. 

Katie and I are still in negotiations with the bank and have a conference call tomorrow with a different bank to see what madness that they have to offer, but that is a tale for another time and another blog.

Stay hungry my friends,

The Rhino

Bloomy's Gets Bossy

Ok friends. Where do I start this week? My head is spinning with such ferocity, I must look like that weird stress vomiting chick from the Exorcist and/or Scary Movie 2!!  There’s only one thing to be done when my head feels like this… bulleted list!

Bulleted list of things we have done this week, complete with awesomeness rating:

• Bloomy’s is in business baby! I am proud to announce the birth of our first brain child, Bloomy’s Roast Beef, LLC! As in actual company! What now son?! The Rhino, being his typical chivalrous self, allowed yours truly to be the majority owner of this LLC. Oh snap!  Now that I’m his boss, I can say things like “Get me a mountain dew!” …and he does!   
  
  Awesomeness rating:  1,000!
• Oh yeah, so I’m totally going to spill the beans about Phase One! For those of you not yet informed and/or couldn’t guess from my awesome clues last time and/or the Facebook picture… here it is………. <drum roll in my head>………………

Introducing, the BLOOMY’S FOOD TRUCK! Taaa daaa!

(The above picture is in no way shape or form representative of the actual Bloomy’s food truck.
We created it with the help of Google Images and Rhino’s Paint Shop Pro skills.)

Awesomeness rating:  infinity!!!!

• Feeling light headed after a major vent session, the Rhino and I decided that the Bloomy’s food truck will be refusing service to the following individuals (warning: this part might be offensive… to people on the list):
• D-bag bouncer at the Triple Rock social club. Go tackle someone else from behind. This lane is closed!
• George Lopez. Your accent sounds fake and your show is not funny. You bug!
• Anyone who looks and/or sounds like a woman version of William Shatner (this means you Kathleen Turner).
• Girl from the bar who told me I had a really big forehead. Watch this forehead as it boots your flat butt out of line. Smell ya later!
• Tom Wilberg. Damn you touchdown stealer from 17 years ago!  The Rhino and I are both obviously very affected by this, even though I didn’t meet the Rhino until two years ago, whatever. 
• Ravi from the Bronx who can’t speak or spell but apparently thinks Bloomys.com is worth ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Eat my shorts Ravi!  

Awesomeness rating:  11 (unless you’re on the list)

• Our combined math skills enabled us to determine that, in order for Phase One to break even, we need to achieve a whopping .03% market penetration (does anyone else giggle like a 12 year old boy every single time they hear or read the word penetration? Just me? Okay… soooo …embarrassing).

Awesomeness rating:  217

• Anyway, we’ve put in a whopping 30 hours of work into Bloomy’s this weekend (the Rhino via depreciation formulas, prime costs, controllable profit, net income before tax - and the ever popular cash flow before tax - not to menion five year operating projections...    and me via twitter (@BloomysRB represent!) and writing this here blog) so we’re off to go die on the couch and watch Star Wars: The Clone Wars (yes!). After an epic fail trying to find enough change in the cushions to buy the food truck, we’ve decided to go plead our case to the bank. Cross your fingers for us and maybe we’ll give you some free roast beef...or maybe we'll be asking you for cash donations.  ;-)

Stakeout Situation

Some of you may be wondering why there was no update last week on our progress with Bloomy’s, and I have a really easy and disappointing response for you: because we didn’t do a damn thing. The Rhino was on his slamazing non-Canadian Canadian fishing adventure and I was busy keeping the house from falling apart, working on my sunburn, and fulfilling random demands as required by my day job. I did learn something very important and life changing while the Rhino was away though, and that is this: mowing the lawn totally bites! Oh my gosh it sucks so bad. Worst experience of my life.

Ok moving on.

This past Saturday, I decided to launch a covert op which enabled me to put on my Nancy Drew sunglasses and become a top secret sleuth between the hours of 11am and 1:30pm. I unfortunately can’t reveal much about the covert op (hence the “covert” part) or what I was sleuthing, but it did involve the following things: a dark vehicle, a clipboard, a semi-abandoned parking lot, and a pair of shifty eyes (I may or may not have practiced my shifty eyes in the mirror beforehand). I quickly learned that stakeout situations are not nearly as fun as they look in movies, especially seeing as I was flying solo and didn’t have my partner in crime to stake out with me. But, alas, I did obtain valuable information that I immediately dispatched to the Rhino and will totally utilize for the Bloomy’s Business Plan. And I felt super cool too. Pretty much like a combination of Veronica Mars and … that really old lady from Murder She Wrote.

In other news, we’re official! Bloomy’s I mean, not the Rhino and me (psych!). The Secretary of State has personally reserved Bloomy’s Roast Beef for us and no one else can take it! Ta da!

Now that we are official (well, at least semi-official) and incredibly important, I have been working on my professional presentation via wearing faux pearl earrings from Target and saying such things as “what a unique perspective on the emerging business market in Turkey.”

Speaking of Turkey… the Rhino and I need to get our butts back in the Bloomy’s Test Kitchen and actually do some work this week. We decided to expand our sweet menu options by adding classics such as tots and but were halted by a severe disagreement over the potential juicy goodness of sandwiches topped with coleslaw. Any insight into this matter would be appreciated. After we made up, the Rhino was struck by a wicked “Why did we not think of this before?!” idea to add a Bloomy’s twist on a Midwestern favorite that readers just might have to eat to believe.

Stay tuned to the future adventures of two crazy cats who are just starting to figure things out in the delicious world of roast beef.

Until next time!