Sunday, July 24, 2011

Bloomy’s Goes to the Bank

Story Part One – The BIG BANK MEETING
Last week the Rhino and I literally spent every second of our free time finishing the Bloomy’s business plan for our big bank meeting as apparently it has become another full-time job. So now we have three full-time jobs between the two of us. Lame! Don’t ever try this because it pretty much sucks. All the time.

Anyway, after about 100 hours of staring at computer screens and spreadsheets, we were about ready to do one of the following things:

(1) Die
(2) Drink heavily
(3) Have a whack attack
(4) Blow a gasket
(5) Spit in each other’s faces
(6) All of the above

In addition, the Rhino’s green folder got rained on and bled green all over his pants before the meeting, so I immediately thought it was a sign of things to come and started sweating. The sweating continued during the meeting as I watched Mrs. Bank Lady type furiously into her calculator and fire questions at us like nobody’s business. However, between the Rhino’s eloquent and charming dialogue and my randomly shouting out trivia facts, we were able to successfully navigate the meeting and walked out with our heads held mediumly-high. Rock on!  

<<Insert>> After passing this over to the Rhino for proofing, he has kindly asked me to include the following:
The Rhino: “Aren’t you going to tell them about what the bank lady said?”
Me: “What?
The Rhino: “What the bank lady said?”
Me: “What?”
The Rhino: “Remember when she said ‘this is a great business concept’ at the end?
Me (loooong pause): “Oh yeah…”

Done! Ok, where were we?
After the bank meeting, we were both so super stressed from the two straight months of non-stop third-job work that we thought it would be a fantastic idea to race home, pack furiously, and drive three hours to Cross Lake for a camping excursion. Which was not relaxing. At all. By the end of the weekend, we had done each of the following things at least once:

(1) Shared a twin sized air mattress in 90 degree heat
(2) Slept on the ground (the Rhino)
(3) Rolled off the twin size air mattress and into a tent puddle (Me. Three times.)
(4) Got 1,000+ mosquito bites
(5) Stuffed hotdogs, chicken and corn into our faces as furiously as possible
(6) Sat in the steamy Jeep while our campsite was being attacked by armies of bugs (during which the Rhino executed a Titanic-style window steam hand slap, and it was everything I thought it would be).
(7) Drank our combined body weight in Miller Lite

Needless to say, by the end of the week and weekend, we were both ready to give up and crawl into a cave. When we got home, I said exactly three things to the Rhino before shutting off my brain.
(1)  Business plans BLOW!
(2)  Everything else BLOWS!
(3)  (At this point, I stuck my tongue out at him like a 5 year old, crinkled my face, and promptly passed out on the couch)

He immediately took my boss power away from me so now he is the boss again and I can’t tell him to do things like get me a mountain dew. Now he tells me to do things like mow the lawn and I frown and say in a sad voice: “Yes sir.”

However, now that we have both calmed down a little bit (me via yelling and making smart comments and the Rhino via playing Call of Duty), we are back to our normal sane selves and super excited about the next step in the Bloomy’s roast beef adventure… buying the food truck! But that, my friends, is a story for another time.

Story Part Two – The Dessert Poll
Thank you to those (12) of you who submitted your votes for the dessert you most want to see on our menu. I am excited to tell you that the #1 dessert was ice cream sandwich! However, after careful analysis, I do assume most of you chose which dessert you would want right now (during the sweltering heat wave) and not which dessert you would want any time (e.g. in the negative degree winter time).

So we are still contemplating the desserts and actually had a fab suggestion from one of our readers: rice krispy bars complete with chocolate drizzle dizzle! I replied – tell me friend, how much would you pay for this said rice krispy bar with chocolate drizzle dizzle? And she said three dollars! Who know those things were worth so much anyway? So in conclusion, we are still accepting ideas from those 50+ of you who chose not to participate. Thanks for not participating even though you actively participate in reading the blog. We love you anyway. Hugs all around!

In conclusion (again), even though the Rhino and I have only been an official company for like three days, the company rumor mill is already in full swing. In fact, rumor has it that the Bloomy’s blog might be busy this week getting ready for a special guest. Until then…

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Bloomy's Gets Bossy

Ok friends. Where do I start this week? My head is spinning with such ferocity, I must look like that weird stress vomiting chick from the Exorcist and/or Scary Movie 2!!  There’s only one thing to be done when my head feels like this… bulleted list!

Bulleted list of things we have done this week, complete with awesomeness rating:
  • Bloomy’s is in business baby! I am proud to announce the birth of our first brain child, Bloomy’s Roast Beef, LLC! As in actual company! What now son?! The Rhino, being his typical chivalrous self, allowed yours truly to be the majority owner of this LLC. Oh snap!  Now that I’m his boss, I can say things like “Get me a mountain dew!” …and he does!   

    Awesomeness rating:  1,000!
  • Oh yeah, so I’m totally going to spill the beans about Phase One! For those of you not yet informed and/or couldn’t guess from my awesome clues last time and/or the Facebook picture… here it is………. <drum roll in my head>………………
Introducing, the BLOOMY’S FOOD TRUCK! Taaa daaa!

(The above picture is in no way shape or form representative of the actual Bloomy’s food truck.
We created it with the help of Google Images and Rhino’s Paint Shop Pro skills.)

Awesomeness rating:  infinity!!!!

  • Feeling light headed after a major vent session, the Rhino and I decided that the Bloomy’s food truck will be refusing service to the following individuals (warning: this part might be offensive… to people on the list):
    • D-bag bouncer at the Triple Rock social club. Go tackle someone else from behind. This lane is closed!
    • George Lopez. Your accent sounds fake and your show is not funny. You bug!
    • Anyone who looks and/or sounds like a woman version of William Shatner (this means you Kathleen Turner).
    • Girl from the bar who told me I had a really big forehead. Watch this forehead as it boots your flat butt out of line. Smell ya later!
    • Tom Wilberg. Damn you touchdown stealer from 17 years ago!  The Rhino and I are both obviously very affected by this, even though I didn’t meet the Rhino until two years ago, whatever. 
    • Ravi from the Bronx who can’t speak or spell but apparently thinks is worth ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Eat my shorts Ravi!  
Awesomeness rating:  11 (unless you’re on the list)

  • Our combined math skills enabled us to determine that, in order for Phase One to break even, we need to achieve a whopping .03% market penetration (does anyone else giggle like a 12 year old boy every single time they hear or read the word penetration? Just me? Okay… soooo …embarrassing).
Awesomeness rating:  217

  • Anyway, we’ve put in a whopping 30 hours of work into Bloomy’s this weekend (the Rhino via depreciation formulas, prime costs, controllable profit, net income before tax - and the ever popular cash flow before tax - not to menion five year operating projections...    and me via twitter (@BloomysRB represent!) and writing this here blog) so we’re off to go die on the couch and watch Star Wars: The Clone Wars (yes!). After an epic fail trying to find enough change in the cushions to buy the food truck, we’ve decided to go plead our case to the bank. Cross your fingers for us and maybe we’ll give you some free roast beef...or maybe we'll be asking you for cash donations.  ;-)