The Countdown Begins

After a small bout of writer’s block (my first since beginning the blog, oh no!), I’ve nearly recovered and am ready to share all of the new and wonderful things that have happened since I last left you.

First of all though, I have to say that I’m pretty sure my writer’s block was caused by one event in particular. I will call this event The Attack of the Seven Point Five Pound Bacon. This attack happened on day 8 of my 21 day Clean Program (NOT including the four day prep thing I had to go through beforehand, also during which I could not eat any good foods). Anyway, I was sitting on the couch watching the telly when, all of the sudden, I was struck by a bacon craving. A bad one. Like the kind you get after not eating any bacon for over 12 days.

Then the Rhino walked in with (I AM NOT KIDDING) a 7.5 pound CRATE of bacon!



There are seven layers to this crate!

 Between apologies and dodging my scary growls, Rhino managed to tell me that Sysco had dropped off some bacon for taste testing purposes. Apparently, some equals 7.5 pounds worth! So now I have all this bacon in my home and it’s all I can think about. Enter the writer’s block. Anyway, sweet Rhino made individual sized packs to hide in the freezer so I can focus on way more important things, like telling this story. Did I want to lick his fingers afterwards? Maybe. I mean definitely.

Moving on.

We’ve officially started the T MINUS COUNTDOWN TO THE BLOOMY’S LAUNCH! I don’t really enjoy the countdown, usually because it gives me heart palps*, but I figured it was about time we started one. Mainly due to the fact that I really wanted to install a countdown gadget on my iGoogle page. This is also where I track my two stocks (I made almost $11 today!) and whether new movies got a tomato or a splat.  

*Palpitations of the heart. This may or may not be a genetic abnormality; also commonly experienced as a precursor to a very large whack attack.

Anyway, we’re less than 10 weeks from our big sponsor celebration event and the Bloomy’s event planning team (comprised of Creative Director JamieDelish, Event Manager Chickie*, and yours truly) is ready to start super-planning what will soon be remembered as “The Greatest 2012 Twin Cities Food Truck Sponsor Celebration Event/Launch Party. Ever.” We have some exciting plans in the works and can’t wait to see all of our Kickstarter backers there to help us kick off Bloomy1! Bring your appetites people!

*Our newest Bloomy’s (unpaid) team member. Her name is not Chickie, but her real name is too hard to remember.

The Rhino and I are also very excited to share two major pieces of information with ya’ll. One is business related and one is a big announcement about our relationship. Oooh, what could that be? Hold your horses because we’re starting with the business one.

Number One

Our prized possession, Bloomy1, has officially gone from looking like this:

TO LOOKING LIKE THIS!

 

Wait… You might be thinking: “Dude, it looks exactly the same. You just changed the background and the way it was facing.” First off, don’t call me Dude. Second, take a closer look at this:

That’s right. That my friends is our very own super bomb serving window through which we can serve all of our delicious roast beef sandos and greet our fellow beef lovers with a welcoming Bloomy’s smile! Yessss!

Mark Awesome Palm at Chameleon Concessions has been doing loads of work on the inside of Bloomy1, getting her ready for her big debut. Mark has already achieved numerous feats including this:

And this!

And this!

In fact, Bloomy1 is officially nearly ready for her paint job which will be completed by our very own Rhino and his dad, Papa Bloomy. I will miss you Doritos logo!

Number Two
Now, on to the second announcement.

After five months of being engaged, the Rhino and I have finally decided on an official day of matrimony! Go team! That didn’t take long at all! We had originally decided on October 13 of next year since this year we’re way too busy making Bloomy1 the food truck rockstar of the Midwest. But then we realized that pretty much no one would want to party down with us on a Sunday. So now we’ve decided that on September 27, 2013 we will have a few family and friends over to Rhino’s Mom’s house, eat some food, dance a few jigs, change my last name to Bloomstrom, take some pictures, and go to Hawaii to celebrate my name change. No big deal. I also may or may not have* started a matrimony day countdown on my iGoogle page. 589 days? Done.
*This means absolutely.

Why September 27? Because according to our numerology charts,* this is the most auspicious day for the Rhino and me to enter into a lifelong union. It’s also the Rhino’s nephew’s birthday, and something tells me he’ll enjoy a night of cake, dancing and complete awesomeness. Bring it on. I will start planning this event in approximately 500 days.
*This blog is a judgment free area. And numerology is sometimes over 60% accurate.

In Other Exciting Future News
Tomorrow afternoon, the Rhino and I will be making a very important trip to our local bank so we can officially close on our bank loan! After 8 months of work and hundreds of hours of lost sleep, the fact that this day has finally arrived just doesn’t seem real to either of us (and probably won’t until it’s over). But we are both very much looking forward to actually having some dollars so we can buy important business items such as dishes and food. And this! Cool Software Found Here

Saturday brings the Big Day of Food Truck Manager Interviews. This is the time during which the Rhino and I will meet our Food Truck Manager (FTM) finalists face to face and decide which FTM is awesomesauce enough to manage Bloomy1! This is one of the most important tasks on my Bloomy to-do list, as our first FTM will not only manage Bloomy1 but may very well end up managing the whole kit and caboodle* in the very near future. What a sweet job! If the Rhino would let me, I would totally apply. Except that I don’t meet the qualifications. Whatever.
*I don’t actually know what this phrase means, but I heard my grandma say it once and it made my grandpa lol.

We’re also excited to share that our website (which was built by me, so only I can be offended when I say that I think it has no game) is currently undergoing a mega face lift! Our developer dude seems to have disappeared underground for the winter so I don't have an ETA, but hopefully he will resurface shortly. Then we can unveil the new and improved website that has lots of game and also houses this very blog! Dope!

Ok, I’m off to watch a John Cusack film (enter Rhino comment here: “I don’t know why you love him so much.” Me: “YOU CAN’T HELP WHO YOU LOVE!”) while trying not to think about bacon.

In the words of our friend and loyal blog follower, Eric: "May the beef be with you."

Putting the “Oooo!” in Bloomy’s.

Last week, the Rhino and I discovered that the long-standing Gopher Towing, a.k.a. the home of Bloomy1, was going out of business. This was devastating on several fronts - mainly because it made our truck homeless and secondarily because we have to provide the bank with a storage lease in order to get our loan money. No Gopher Towing = no home = no lease = no loan. Yikes! You can imagine how big a wrench this threw in our plans. However, never fear! The Rhino stepped in and found another home for Bloomy1 in less than a week*. He even brought me there for a visit on Sunday! Now, we have a new home for Bloomy1 that is equal in awesomeness and slightly less expensive than its previous home. Rock. On. I praised the Rhino on his industriousness and gave him a kiss (on the cheek; we are not married yet).
*Why I adore the Rhino Reason #671,794.

Two Fridays ago, the Rhino accompanied yours truly to my day-job department’s holiday party. Yes, we have our holiday party in January. The party, coincidentally, was also held at Chino Latino (just like the Rhino’s holiday party was!). We got to stuff our faces with delicious food such as shrimp curry and also do awesome (at the time) things like this:

  
I wish I could say that this holiday party turned out differently than the last one, but it surely did not. The Rhino and I once again plopped into bed well after 3am and spent the next day rubbing our bellies and cursing our love-hate relationship with Bacardi Limon.

In any case, we recovered and were incredibly excited about our big important meeting at the…

Sysco Test Kitchen
Last Thursday, the Rhino and I took some time to visit the best place in the world (or at least the best place in Blaine), the Sysco Test Kitchen. Stocked far and wide with delicious ingredients just waiting for us to eat and judge them. Which we did. A lot. Accompanying us to this dreamland was the official taste testing crew, comprised of (in no particular order).

1. Our culinary specialist, Budda,* who brought over a decade’s worth of experience in catering, kitchen management, and creating culinary masterpieces. And a passion for agates.
2. Rhino’s BFF since 8th grade (think Stand By Me meets … Starsky and Hutch?), Ron*, and his lovely wife.
3. Our awesomesauce Creative Director, Jamie D* (the D stands for Deelightful or Deelicious, depending on your preference)
*Names may have been changed to protect the identity of our taste testing crew, or not. Probably not.

Jamie D, Rhino & I were super early to the test kitchen (ooh anticipation!) so we decided to stop off for a quick beer (it was lunch time, BTW, and therefore acceptable). My GPS wasn’t working, so the three of us were forced into looking for beer the old fashioned way*.
*By actually looking with our eyes.

Between the solid input of his car companions (KJ: “I think I might see something over there!! JamieD: No, that’s… not a place that sells beer,”) Rhino calmly navigated us to a strip mall where he found us a Chinese Buffet. We proceeded to order some Blue Moons, and I was happily surprised when the beers arrived along with three fortune cookies! I tried to trick my hunger with the beer carbonation, but it backfired, so it only took me about 5 minutes to start hoarding and devouring everyone’s fortune cookies. Sorry guys. Then we headed back to the test kitchen.

After a slightly uncomfortable yet slightly informative meeting with a salesperson, we were ushered into the super slamazing, super huge, and super HOT test kitchen. We got to sit around at a little table and have four people wait on us! And then they started bringing out food. And more food. And then they brought out some more food. By the time they brought the roast beef out, I was so excited I nearly burst into song. I believed for a moment that my life had reached its pinnacle and am about 90% certain that I also heard angels’ voices. I wondered for a moment what it would be like to live in the test kitchen (JamieD: “Awesome! It would be awesome!”). But it was just too hot… and there was no shower, which is a really bad combo. So we did eventually leave.

In any case, despite all the decisions we made on chili and coleslaw and roast beef, we still have over half our menu to go. Most importantly, we need to decide on the bread. I am head over heels for bread as it comprises the majority of my meals so am incredibly excited about this decision. However, the Rhino believes that bread is “just a vessel to get the beef into your face” so a convincing session may be in order. Another test kitchen visit?? Yes please!! Except for one small problem.

KJ and the Clean Program
(For those of you who think detoxing is a scam, feel free skip this part.)
Yes, I have decided to start a program. It is called the Clean Program. During this program, I cannot eat any of the following things: cheese, eggs, French fries, ranch dressing, bacon, bread, beer, tomatoes, pop, ice cream, pizza, Carnation Instant Breakfast, or pretty much any other thing you can think of that’s delicious and fun. I’m approximately 99% sure I’m going to pass away from lack of bacon, seeing as it has only been two days and it’s already all I can think about. Especially while I’m busy burning quinoa and trying to figure out how to cook a chicken breast.

The Rhino is “supporting but not participating,” as he enjoys the aforementioned food and beverage items way too much to give them up (Insert Rhino comment here: “Totally! Why do you think I look so good in a white t-shirt?”). Touché.

I think we are both very nervous at what lack of grease can do to this girl’s mood but hopefully we will both make it to the end of the program. Stay tuned!

So that brings us to two days ago Sunday, during which we began the quest for the city-mandated

Commercial Kitchen
All Minneapolis food trucks are required to partner with a commercial kitchen, which doesn’t sound that difficult until you realize that there are like 20 food trucks and like 2 commercial kitchens. Yikes. We’ve been on the search for awhile before narrowing the pool to two equally magnificent commercial kitchen options:

(1) Kitchen in the Market
On Sunday, the Rhino and I ventured into unknown territory, a.k.a. Midtown Global Market. We were there to meet with the charming Molly who runs Kitchen in the Market, a wicked cool commercial kitchen smack dab in the middle of all the market glory. (If you haven’t been to the Midtown Global Market, I’d suggest going immediately. It’s the bomb. Even despite one particular woman who, every time she saw me, asked me if I was Kimberly. Um, no. But if you keep asking me, I might suddenly decide that I AM Kimberly. Oooh, what now?!)

So we got to tour the kitchen and all its slamazingness. Afterwards, we calculated the distance (7 miles) and time (20-ish minutes but we made all the green lights) between the kitchen and our storage facility. Not bad, not bad!

We were so excited that the Rhino took yours truly to JJ’s Clubhouse for a ”Katie’s last meal before her program” feast of Bloody Mary’s, sandos*, and Cajun fries.
*sando (noun): sandwich

(2) Kindred Kitchen
Last night, we met with the adorable Terese at the Kindred Kitchen. Kindred Kitchen is our second commercial kitchen option in Minneapolis and specifically supports new foodies trying to get their businesses off the ground. The Kitchen also offers a workshop series where you can learn about everything from writing a business plan to marketing strategy to Quickbooks. Dope! It is also conveniently located just 1.9 miles from our new storage facility! And across the street from a cookie shop! Go Team Rhino! We also got to meet other aspiring foodies including a chutney enthusiast, a baker, and a pasta maker. Three cheers for foodies!

It will be very tough to decide which kitchen to go with and we only have until the end of the week… because of some very best news, which I have saved for last!

Some Very Best News
As I was leaving work yesterday and walking through the parking lot to my car, I got a call from the Rhino. Here is a 100% accurate transcript of our conversation:

Phone: “Ring ring!”
Me: “Hello?”
Rhino: “Hi honey.”
Me: “Who dis?”
Rhino: “It’s Ryan.”
Me: “Oh, hi honey!’
Rhino: <Rolls eyes> “Do you want to hear some good news?”
Me: “YES! DESPERATELY!”
Rhino: “Well… I just got off the phone with the bank…”
Me: Heart rate increases from 90bpm to 110bpm
Rhino: <Pause>
Me: “AND?!?!?!”
Rhino: “They said the paperwork was approved!!”
Me: (not exaggerating): Drop everything I am holding into a parking lot snow puddle (this includes: purse, lunch bag, laptop bag, high heels, water bottle) and start screaming as loud as my vocal cords allow. Then I kick up my heels and do a little jig.
Rhino: lol, lol.
Me: “Eeek! Eeek!”

So, for those of you who have been following our story, we were scheduled to close on our loan in December. Well, it is not December anymore and we have yet to close on our loan. Some “at-least-60-days-or-maybe-more” paperwork approval process came into play, and the Rhino and I have been sitting on edge for 6 weeks now, hoping and praying for the approval. Now we have it! Early! You know what that means…. BLOOMY’S IS BACK IN ACTION BABY!!

That’s all I got, for now. I wish I could say that I was off to pop open a celebratory bottle of wine but… water will have to suffice for this roast beef lover. At least for now.

Cheers!

Winter Break & A Homeless Bloomy

As an end-of-year treat and so we wouldn’t lose our “use it or fuhgeddaboudit” PTO days, the Rhino and I decided to take the whole week between Christmas and New Year’s off of work (day job work, that is). This means that we had ten whole days where we really didn’t have to do anything except dream about Bloomy’s and the day when we wouldn’t have to live in cubicles anymore. I was super excited as you can imagine, since this meant a break from the following things:

1. Uncomfortable work clothes
2. Alarm clock
3. Hair dryer/static machine
4. Driving
5. High heels
6. Going outside

It also meant that we could sit on the couch in our pajamas and eat pie and pistachio pudding bars like tomorrow would never come. But, it did, and now we're left wondering how every single pair of pants we own managed to shrink so much in just one week. I blame the dryer.

The day before we were scheduled to return to our exciting* day jobs, we decided to put on some normal clothes, venture outside, and move Bloomy1 from Rhino’s mom’s yard to the parking lot of Chameleon Concessions. As you may remember, Mark Palm from Chameleon is the wonderbrain behind our food truck makeover, and he was just about ready to get started on transforming Bloomy1 from empty boring truck shell to slamazing diner on wheels.
*not exciting at all.

I was looking forward to visiting Bloomy1, seeing as it is the closest thing that the Rhino and I have to a pet and I had started to miss its crappy white paint job. You can imagine my terror and devastation when the Rhino went to turn it on and IT WOULDN’T START!!! I was on the verge of having a whack attack, but the Rhino’s Mom calmed me down by reminding me that it had been sitting in the cold yard for several weeks and just needed some TLC. She was right, as Moms always are, and the hand-off to Mark was a complete success. We are proud to say that our vehicle-pet is now undergoing a deep cleaning and complete transformation that we will document via pictures in this very blog.

Anyway, the next day was the dreaded end to our PTO dream holiday staycation. I had to force myself to act like a grown up instead of pitching my alarm clock through the window and throwing a small* whack attack like I wanted to. I did attempt to wake the Rhino up with my sobs, but he just rolled over and put the pillow over his head. I proceeded to drag myself to cubicle home-away-from-home where it took about two hours for my stress to reach pre-holiday levels. At least my pants fit again.
*large

So now that it’s officially 2012, it’s also officially the YEAR of BLOOMY’S (if the world doesn’t end, which would be really lame). Already during this year, the YEAR of BLOOMY’S, Rhino & I have done the following things:

1. Scheduled the pre-launch sponsor celebration event!!!
2. Started interviewing for our very important Food Truck Manager position
3. Scheduled a visit to the super huge Sysco Test Kitchen a.k.a. heaven on earth
4. Conducted an intense prayer/law of attraction session during which we begged & pleaded that our bank loan would close by February 1. The results of this session are still TBD.
5. Found out that the home we had lined up for Bloomy1 is going out of business, which left us with a great sadness in our heart and a big white homeless truck. Wonderful.
6. Transferred the title from the previous castle-dwelling owner to us regular house folk (see below for the ridiculous “I can’t believe this actually just happened” details)

So here we begin the tale of the:

Ridiculous Title Transferring Debacle
The Rhino and I were looking forward to transferring the title for Blooomy1 so we could become the official owners, and also because it’s the law. I had just gotten a fix-it-or-else-you're-gonna-get-a-ticket for not having my address changed on my license, so I really didn’t want to break the law again so soon. We decided to meet up over lunch to drive to the DMV and conduct the very easy title transfer. Remember that we have allotted one hour for this very simple and not-complex-at-all errand. Here is a synopsis of what ensued:

12:00pm

·  KJ arrives at Excelsior DMV and reads the large and prominent sign that reads “CASH OR CHECK ONLY”

·  Calls the Rhino and politely asks if he happens to have approximately $600 in cash in his wallet. He checks his wallet and says that he has about $4.

·  Rhino picks up KJ and they drive to Wayzata Anchor Bank to get a cashier’s check (government requires paper trails, which we are getting very good at leaving.). On the way, we realize:

·  We don’t know how much to get the cashier’s check for.

12:30pm

· We arrive at the Wayzata DMV and wait in line for approximately three minutes. The nice lady types out a receipt for how much the transfer will cost.

12:40pm

· Rhino & KJ arrive at the bank and get the cashier’s check.

12:50pm

· Back at the DMV, Rhino & KJ successfully complete the transfer and go to Chipotle for some burritos to celebrate.

1:30pm

·  We breathe a collective sigh of relief. That wasn’t too bad!

·  Wait for it…

·  Wait for it…

The next day:

·  Rhino realizes that we transferred the title into our individual names instead of into the business. KJ has whack attack.

·  Bank confirms that title needs to be in Bloomy’s name.

·  KJ calls DMV and learns that she needs to obtain elusive IRC code to avoid paying sales tax twice. She learns that:

· No one seems to know what an IRC code is or how to get it. A mystery solving operation begins and lasts several days.

Several days later:

· KJ goes back to DMV to expedite the original title which otherwise would have taken 3-4 months to get back. Cost: $20

3-5 days later:

· KJ gets title in the mail. She goes back to DMV and realizes Rhino hasn’t signed the title.

That night:

·   KJ watches while Rhino signs the title

The next day:

·  KJ goes back to DMV and successfully transfers the title! Yes! Except…

·   Once I get back to work, I realize that I didn’t put the bank on as a lien holder and have to break speeding laws (sorry) to get back to the DMV before they close.

· KJ doesn’t tell Rhino about this until everything is fixed. He says thank you.

So, a one hour very simple errand has turned into a three-week mega-fiasco. Good job! Apparently, 10 days of couch sitting has not only shrunk all of my pants but has also made my brain a little mushy. No biggie. I’ve started taking Ginko Biloba and am almost back to normal. Let’s hope this is not indicative of how the YEAR of BLOOMY’S will transpire.

However and without further ado, it is now time to spill the beans on our latest and greatest creative project:

The Bloomy’s National Television Project Debut:

I wasn’t going to say anything about our project as I didn’t want to ruin the surprise or jinx the Bloomy’s marketing team, but then I figured a bit of positive energy from peeps wouldn’t hurt. So, here we go.

As you know, the Bloomy’s marketing team is comprised of our awesomesauce Creative Director, Jamie D, and yours truly. As you also may know, Bloomy’s has done a pretty solid job so far of getting some interest from the press. In true ambition, we decided to go for more. More as in national. National as in national network television.

So I started thinking… how does one get the attention of a national network television show such as the Food Network or the Cooking Channel? Phone call? Even I would hang up on myself. E-mail? Easy delete. Carefully handwritten and subtly perfumed letter? Passé. That left just one cool and solidly popular medium: YouTube. Home of Justin Bieber and the Honey Badger. Bring it on.

I was nervous about making another video for a few reasons, such as:

1. The fact that video making does not agree with the Rhino or me and results in several severe dagger eye death stare matches.
3. We can’t ever remember our lines.
2. HD video makes my lips disappear and my hillbilly tooth become more prominent.
3. I had recently self-cut* my bangs slightly too short and the result was similar to what happens when a six year old discovers a pair of safety scissors.  
 *cost control

In any case, we invited Jamie D over to assist with the shoot, and she calmly fixed all of the above using relationship counseling techniques, script highlighter and interesting topic prompting questions, really bright lipstick, and wicked eye makeup (I assume to distract from the bangs). Jamie D then proceeded to whip out some sneaky Steven Spielberg moves and, before we knew it, we had over half our video recorded. We all still liked each other too.

So we’re half done with the video and hopefully will have that uploaded and ready to leave the show-deciders so wowed they will immediately want to give us a few moments of screen time. Ready… go!

That’s all I’ve got so far. I’m off to freak out about the realization I just had that we’re launching in just three short months and our food truck still looks like this:

Well, at least it will be an interesting ride. See ya next time!

The Rhino’s 2 Cents

Well hello there Bloomy’s Blog followers (official and closet alike!)

I am the Rhino and although Katie does a fantastic and hilarious job of detailing our adventures, it is time for me to voice my 2 cents. 

Some of you know me and some of you may not yet know me. Those of you who know me have an intimate understanding of my tendency to voice what can be a strong opinion at times. It is my hope that those of you who do not know me yet can learn to love and appreciate this filter-less take of my surroundings. 

Rhino’s Take on Banks and the Bank’s Initial Feedback for Bloomy’s Loan

I would like to preface this section by saying that our contact at the bank is a very nice and helpful woman.  Any and all ranting, venting, b*tching or other critical verbiage is not aimed at her but the banking system overall.  

In all fairness I am already bitter against past banking practices that propelled us into this awful recession.  I mean seriously I know someone who got a mortgage for a house before the crash with a utility bill that he doctored to have his name on it.  He had a little insider help at a bank, but that is just plain ridiculous.  What really burns me is Mortgage Insurance.  This insurance does no good for the homeowner, but was supposed to be a fail-safe to protect the bank’s investment.  What the hell happened to that money? I mean this kind of money is supposed to be locked away in some nominal interest bearing savings account right? Hell no! Put that sh*t in the market and gamble with it son! Oops now we need it for the actual purpose that the money was collected for but we lost it all.  Oh well, have the government bail out the banks and then have the banks race to pay the money back to the government because they can’t take advantage of anyone with those pesky government clauses on the borrowed money.  I almost forgot that the last part involves giving the bank execs bonuses for their great work.  Jerks…

So anyways, like I was saying, Katie and I went into the bank with a wonderful appreciation for banks and their lending practices.  Our blood, sweat and tears poured into our 65 page business plan that we were firmly convinced was probably one of the best ever made. :-)

As we expected it took the bank a little over a week to provide some initial feedback.  This was actually some very necessary down time for Katie and I.  I am a laid back guy for the most part and I am a very proficient sleeper so when my left pectoral muscle began twitching and I had several nights that I could not sleep I took it as a pretty good sign that I was stressed to the max. This week was great and via some yoga, gardening, walks, talks, killing fools on COD and several bottles of wine the Bloomy’s management is tick, twitch and sleepless night free (with the exception of a small incident which I describe below.)

Katie and the Cricket-Frog

Katie and I encourage each other to maintain healthy relationships with our friends whether it is a guys’ poker night or her ladies’ book club night.  Either way we end up with a few nights on the calendar each month that are designated for this purpose.  We both have our unique activities that we like to enjoy absent our partner.  I tend to get some items crossed of my self-made honey do list, attend happy hour, watch non-Katie friendly movies or my favorite activity which currently is playing Call of Duty (COD.)  I’m not totally sure what Katie does when I’m gone, but I enjoy visions of her vacuuming in the nude, reading her favorite book in a tub full of bubbles or simply making lists of things that she can do to please me. ;-)

We had one of these nights this week.  After unboxing our new dehumidifier and connecting the direct drain hose I retired to the couch and to kill some fools on COD.  Katie got home while I was still playing and was tired so she decided to head to bed.  Please keep in mind that Katie is a light sleeper and can be kept awake or woken up by nearly anything that makes even the tiniest sound.    She hadn’t slept well for like 10 days in a row.  After I succeeded in killing dozens more pre-pubescent boys on COD I heard footsteps from down the hall, the junk drawer open and by the time I turned around to look all I could see was the open door to the porch.  I heard some noise (which I found out later was Katie attempting to go out the door with the curtain still down) and the door slide open.  I set the controller down and scampered over to investigate.  What I saw out the sliding glass door was a barefoot Katie with a flashlight in one hand and the other hand in a fist pounding the ground outside our bedroom window yelling, “Die you freaking idiot!”  I was a little confused to say that least, but got her to come inside only to explain to me that for 10 minutes while on the brink of sleep a (what had to be) large Cricket-Frog was croaking outside of her window. Even with her ear plugs in she could hear its lonely croaks and it was driving her to madness.  It was silenced after her violent attack so she was convinced that she had either killed it or mortally wounded the creature.   So just to be sure, like a good man, I took the flashlight from her, gave her a hug and told her to go back to bed and that I would stand watch for this Godzilla-like monstrosity that was keeping her awake.  5 minutes after standing in the doorway listening and watching for the Cricket-Frog and nothing neither made a sound nor stirred in the night.  I went back to bolstering my manly ego by destroying high pitched voice basement dwelling pre-teens and Katie went back to bed.  Just as she was once again on the brink of sleep, the elusive Cricket-Frog croaked once again. A frustrated Katie retired to the quieter guest bedroom to get some sleep (which she also utilized if I snore too loud or toss and turn too much) and I continued to play COD undisturbed.  I did not know that Katie gave up the battle and conceited defeat to the Cricket-Frog nor did I hear the ferocious beast when I retired to bed.  We have yet to hear this undocumented species since that magical night and pray to the heavens that we never do again.

Anyways back to the loan feedback…. The type of loan that Katie and I are applying for is called an SBA loan.  As a wonderful anecdote I have included their mission statement for your reading displeasure:

The U.S. Small Business Administration (SBA) was created in 1953 as an independent agency of the federal government to aid, counsel, assist and protect the interests of small business concerns, to preserve free competitive enterprise and to maintain and strengthen the overall economy of our nation. We recognize that small business is critical to our economic recovery and strength, to building America's future, and to helping the United States compete in today's global marketplace. Although SBA has grown and evolved in the years since it was established in 1953, the bottom line mission remains the same. The SBA helps Americans start, build and grow businesses. Through an extensive network of field offices and partnerships with public and private organizations, SBA delivers its services to people throughout the United States, Puerto Rico, the U. S. Virgin Islands and Guam.

I don’t know how the Guam division of the SBA program operates but here is the feedback that we got from the SBA:

• Initial equity from personal sources would be 30% of total loan request.  I believe we talked about the potential for a higher equity portion.  
• Requirement for 1:1 collateral coverage either through business assets or personal assets
• Life insurance to the extent each of you contribute to the business that can be assigned to the Bank that covers the loan balance
• More detailed resume information regarding your food service background and scope.  (What did you do, where, when, etc.)  SBA is looking for your "experience" running or managing this type of business or the various aspects of the business - food prep, cook, etc.  

30%?     30%.   30%!?!?!?!?!?! Shut the front door! Why in the world if we have to provide a 1:1 collateral coverage would we need to contribute 30%? I don’t recall eating any lead paint chips as a child, but I must have somehow severely damaged my frontal lobe because this doesn’t make any sense to me.   Take the liquid assets in which help qualify you for the loan and contribute a significant portion of them for the initial investment.  That way if the business isn’t successful you are left with no money to cover the loan payment and you lose your house and/or other assets.  Silly Bloomy’s! We thought that we could borrow money from the bank and keep our money so ensure that we could make the payments.  Why would we think that? It makes entirely too much sense.

Food service background? If Katie and I both worked at a fast food roast beef place adding water to reconstitute what they refer to as meat would we have enough coin saved up to qualify for a loan? Does the fact that we have to sign a personal guarantee on the loan with our assets and the bank has zero risk mean that they can ask us for our food prep experience? Are they loaning money or interviewing us for a job because I thought that the principle philosophy of lending was to secure the loan? Yes? No? Maybe? Would we not have to be clinically insane to sign over our lives to start a business that we were confident that we could not run?  Could I go on for hours about this? The answer is yes and you can ask my co-workers because after 5PM they hear it all.

Whew! Are you still with me? That rant left me exhausted and frankly very hungry for the heavenly nourishment of a Bloomy’s Smokey beef sandwich. 

Katie and I are still in negotiations with the bank and have a conference call tomorrow with a different bank to see what madness that they have to offer, but that is a tale for another time and another blog.

Stay hungry my friends,

The Rhino